The Art of Unraveling

aka: falling apart, letting go, dissolving into the ether, trust falling

Sometime last year, I remember googling “how to surrender.” Reaching a point of fatigue, I was looking for help. For some kind of map, an arrow to point me to the next step on the path. I felt myself gripping to something and knew that squeezing tighter was getting me nowhere and was deeply painful. 

We all have different ideas of what it means to fall apart. Culturally, there is a lot of fear around it. Falling apart becomes synonymous with going crazy, maybe even hurting oneself or others.

Even with more neutral synonyms for falling apart >> unraveling, letting go, trust falling, non-doing, changing, transforming <<  there can still be fear. And, in the throws of anxiety or despair, I fear that I’m doing it wrong! Doesn’t it all sound way more romantic or dramatic than it feels?!! 

I write to you from a place of unraveling. I haven’t arrived to anywhere other than this moment. Though, there is some breath and perspective here, along with plenty unknown. 

My friend Jasmine beautifully reflected on her own unraveling this past year. One gift of being connected through ~the internet~ is getting these little glimpses into each other’s paths. How utterly unique and yet cosmically connected we all are. 

In sharing honestly our lived human experience, we see a larger story. There is a lot unraveling happening deep in our hearts and out on the streets. Structures of work and education, communication lines, relationships, political beliefs and practices.

There are probably as many feelings of falling apart as there are snowflakes. With some perspective, it all looks like the same beautiful soft snow gracefully returning home to the earth. Up close, still beautiful but sharp, pointy, moving slowly, maybe suspending in the air for a moment, and completely unique. 

I’m learning to fall. I’m learning to trust. And I’m realizing that it is a practice. 

One sign that it may be time to fall apart is the feeling of the exact opposite. The tightening and striving to control.  Too many times to count I have felt my mental panties get all bunched up ~ maybe, you know this feeling, too. 

This icon, Mary Undoer of Knots, was shared with me this fall and I’ve kept it near my sight. I share this image not knowing where you are on the vast spectrum of religious, spiritual, atheist, earth-lover, yogi, or witch. I find myself in a chapter of deep intrigue of it all! And I’m in a curious research hole digging around the bones of Catholicism and my own upbringing in the church. >>all to say, that I hope ya take from this what is most supportive, and I’d like to put a few pins on future reflections on Christianity from mystic, reparative, and healing perspectives<<

In this icon of Mary, the sweet lil angels are handing her a ribbon of knots while she peacefully detangles it with her “long fingers of love and grace.” The other side of the ribbon flows from her hands, untangled, knot-free. She has a breath about her, compassionately tending to the ribbon, un-stressed, unbothered by any darkness slithering below.

The ribbon is us ~ is me: free flowing, silky smooth in its origin. The knots: my mental anguish, anxieties, my plans and stubborn efforts that feel heavy, the ideas of myself and how I present to the world. Mary: is the guide, the cosmic mother, a loving expression of the holy spirit’s power to untangle our worries and anxieties. The message: we can’t do this alone and we don’t have to. Avail yourself to the loving support of God.

Symbols, images, and stories can be powerful tools for healing and creativity. And I believe we have the freedom to create our own. Who helps you unwind the tensions in your heart and mind space? is it the wind? soil? a recent ancestor? your bathtub? your breath? 

The fear of unraveling can be so great, that we forget what’s on the other side ~ an untangled ribbon, freed from knots and illusions. While unraveling may primarily be seen as loosening and letting go or as some kind of death, it is also a great act of creation. My unraveling frees me to connect; to stretch my arms and mental tentacles towards life, towards my loves ~ people, passions, and curiosities. It frees me to dance.

Unraveling is a process of untangling from illusions and lies. It divests from false narratives of scarcity or contingent worthiness. It frees me to embrace my fullest and wildest self. The parts of me that want to jump in and take up space. 

Another thing I love about this icon of Mary is that the ribbon is not completely untangled. I still have plenty of knots inside of me :) but I feel more and more ribbon freed. It’s a process, and as long as I’m a human ribbon, there will be some knots to untangle. 

Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes that this journey of connecting to our wild self  “does not mean to come undone, change everything from left to right, from black to white, to move the east to west, to act crazy or out of control. It does not mean to lose one’s primary socializations, or to become less human. It means quite the opposite. The wild nature has a vast integrity to it.” 

Unraveling is a path towards sanity. It’s a path that connects me to my deep knowing, the part of me who know what questions to ask and what I want to change. The part of me that knows how broken our hearts and society are, and how much possibility and light exists at every twist and turn of this existence. 

May the net catch you! (it will)

with love,

emily

p.s. Jasmine’s patreon ♥️