Orienting in confusing times
sometimes it's going along for the ride
At some point last week I realized I have been two weeks behind in my new weekly planner. Wait, is it september 8th or 22nd? Apparently I was just chugging along in the past.
A few days ago, a full hour into a zoom call, I realized that the sound was coming through my computer speakers and not my big noise-cancelling headphones covering my ears. Am I even listening?
Where the heck am I?
Times are confusing and full. There’s a lot of noise. Certainly externally, also internally - ideas, projects, relationships, desires, worries, hungers, and logistics. It’s a lot. I think we’re all feeling it in our own ways.
I notice the feeling of disorientation and judgement that comes with these little realizations of being off.
Damn, wow, how could I not notice… what was I thinking… how could I ever… what’s wrong with me…
There is something terrifying about confidently going forth in a direction that proves to be “wrong.” A part of me cringes with embarrassment at the thought. Like everyone is staring… Does she know her shirt is on backwards? Does she realize there’s a huge piece of lettuce on her teeth? Does she even understand that big word she keeps throwing around like water?
How to orient when shit gets confusing? When you realize that your shirt is on backwards and you think it’s Thursday but it’s definitely Monday?
Huh. Do I know where I am right now? Where is my body in this moment? Where is my mind? Can I ground into this present, into what is in front of me?
I could grip, I could struggle, I could try to Fix.
And/orrrrr…
I could also go along for the ride. I could laugh at myself. I could be amazed at the vastness of my attention and humbled by just how much I don’t know. How much is happening beyond my conscious perception. My pre-frontal cortex can only handle so much.
I can course correct as I notice something is off.
Shift, adjust, take the next best step.
Feel my feet on the ground, my tush in this chair, breath, shift.
It’s a moment, by moment practice.
And instead of trying to make myself invincible to such disorientations, I’m curious about riding these waves. As a dancer, I’ve found a certain amount of pleasure by giving into the disorientation of closing my eyes, moving about space, falling, ending up somewhere I wasn’t “planning” to go.
What does this look like in my day-to-day? at my desk? in my working life?
Like, maybe this disorientation brought me somewhere interesting, maybe it reveals something about myself that I get to learn about and integrate.
I am interested in building my capacity for disorientation. In part, because I don’t think world is going to get any less confusing.
This also feels like a deep practice of Trust. Trusting an order that’s beyond my recognition, beyond my conscious knowledge.
Hmmm maybe this is just right where I need to be, doing just what I need to be doing.
Thanks for being here, for your time and attention with these words on a screen. I’m still writing here IN DEEP SHIFT as spirit moves me to, and I’ve also opened up a new space Shapeshifting Studio ▨ ◍ ⟁ ▦ ◁ It’s an emergent space, more oriented towards embodiment, sensuous living, and creative practice. Join us over there if you’re intrigued!
