On shifting

I keep changing my mind. 

How I spend the next hour, what to do next weekend, grocery lists, goals and, ya know, how I want to live my whole life. It’s entertaining at best, sometimes cute, often frustrating, and at worst debilitating, keeping me frozen as I attach all my self worth and identity to this tendency I’ve declared bad.  

In my journey of getting to know myself, I think I’ve had the expectation that I’d be able to pin down the essence of myself in due time -- my passion and whims will become more clear and straightforward, and I will be more predictable. But at this current moment, I feel much less pin-down-able.

I do feel my capacity to witness myself deepen. Tending to inner child tantrums, existential rage, insecurities, loneliness, and those sweet moments of contentment and trust. As frustrating as it can be to see myself waffling, changing and running away, I also witness the return to myself.

Every now and then my nostalgic heart loves to scan back through morning pages I’ve written over the past couple years. The flood of emotions and anxieties, ups and downs that feel so important in the moment. Capturing them in a cheap notebook allows me to honor them, encourages them to move through me, and can soften some of their potency. 

I remind myself that I am practicing continuous arrival - this moment, this version of myself is complete. I do not need to wait until the next workshop, job, therapy appointment or relationship. I am here -- enough, messy, anxious, loving, curious, eager, tired. This newsletter/blog/experiment is here -- I am as ready as I need to be. 

As I hear my voice emerge on this digital page, I feel gratitude to the teachers, artists, and friends who encourage and inspire me daily. And to my current students - teaching yoga to 70-90 year olds has brought out a strength and clarity of voice that I’ve so craved for myself. I have to speak real loud and clear regardless of my emotional and mental landscape that day, and sometimes I hear myself and am like wow, cool there’s some powerful, loving energy vibrating out of my mouth. Let’s notice and nurture this.

This newsletter is also an intentional shift from the ‘gram. I know most of us have complex relationships with social media ~~ it’s a cool tool, and also fucks with my perceptions of myself, art, community, activism, etc.  So, here is a space I’ve carved out for me, us. It’s an experiment, and I’d like not to put any more expectations on it than I probably already have. 

// IN DEEP SHIFT 

• an exploration of self, spirit, movement, art, consciousness

• a space to share, experiment, connect, and remember that I don’t do anything alone

• an effort to put down heavy rocks and find flow in the shifts, pivots, dips, and dives

• a reason to pay attention and share ideas/events/joys are lighting me up

re: “In Deep Shift” ~~ I love a good deep, existential convo, and I’ve always had a fear of getting in trouble.  So here’s an honest effort to embrace it. We are in trouble ~ life is deep shit.  We’re in deep shit globally, mentally, emotionally, economically. And with anything scary or uncomfortable, it becomes way worse when avoided and ignored. How might this trouble be an invitation for a radical shift? So into the cracks, we go….

My watery, shapeshifting self would like to keep it vague as to how often I’ll be writing. But my devoted self, says commit! So, I plan to share twice monthly, trusting the flow and schedule that emerges. 

I’m happy you’re here. And if it serves you to continue following along, welcome! And if not, that’s wonderful, too. 

stay groovy,

Emily