No answers, no destination

where am I going?

I give up trying to “figure out my life.” 

This is not a declaration of apathy or despair. 

It is not a cry for help.

Rather, this is a deep shift in how I view and tend to my life. And by deep shift, I don’t mean that it is necessarily visible or grand. Often, deep is quiet, subtle, below the surface. 

This shift is towards living into the questions of my life, rather than trying to problem solve my life. And it’s taken some reflection and experimenting to feel into this shift. 

The problem-solving, “figuring out my life” energy is a search for answers, for solid ground and certainty. It feels like the brain ribbons are tightening, tightening, tightening.  My life feels like a puzzle that I’m piecing together - there’s a right way and a wrong way - and whatever I’m doing right now is wrong!! I have no chill! I desperately need more teachers, more books, and more discipline to figure out what tf I’m doing. 

It’s uncomfortable, sometimes feels like a crisis, and it’s a wave that crashes through with some regularity. 

In reality, I am always figuring something out. As a freelancing artist and jill of many trades, my schedule and work can feel like a puzzle; I am continually inspired by new paths and ideas; I have rent to pay and people I want to meet. There are big changes I want to make with my life:  knowledge I am seeking, goals and experiences I desire, relationships to deepen, money I’d like to make and redistribute. 

I am committed to keep iterating and working towards these desires, » but let me not fool myself into thinking there’s a formula or a final destination. «  

Untangling this energy takes compassionate, honest conversation with myself. This helps take me from my ~problematizing brain~ down to my gut and my legs into presence and action. It pulls me out of the judgment and worry of my mind. It lightens me up to try new things, to experiment, and be okay if they don’t work out. 

This shift helps me remember that each day is an arrival. 

That I don’t do anything alone. 

This past year, I’ve been in and out of a handful of nursing homes and senior living spaces. Witnessing humans in their final chapters - whether active, immobile, happy, anxious, sweet, quiet, or mad – I’ve had the thought, hmmm I guess we all just end up here.  There’s really no grande finale. This isn’t to be depressing. I’m stoked to grow old (though it is truly quite brave!) But it helps cut through the illusions of accumulation and accomplishment. Of course, our basic needs must be met, but outside of that, what are we trying to figure out?

This kind of reflection helps me when puzzle brain kicks into high gear, when I feel behind or inadequate or wrong –  (me, talking to me): Emily, where are you trying to go? Your life is right here in front of you - it’s nowhere else. It’s right here. It’s always right here. 

There is no mountain to climb, no puzzle to solve.

I say this knowing and feeling much rage and concern over the state of the world – wars being wielded over land and bodies. There is much action and love needed. And really it’s always been that way and will continue in some shape or form. I deeply believe in interdependency– my existence and actions are connected to everything in this world– and I have to remind myself that the world’s problems aren’t mine alone to figure out. Geopolitical conflict and reproductive justice are not puzzles that have a single solution or path forward. These injustices are large and connected and require multi-pronged, continuous, community effort. Breathe, this is not a sprint or obstacle course. Let us keep trying and growing and shifting. 

I’m coming to find that my truest work is to be present to my life, to clearly witness the suffering, joys, and illusions of this world, and to be a steward of community, movement, play, and awe. 

More questions for the journey -

> What does it feel like to experiment and play with my life? versus “figure it out”?

> What kind of space opens up in my mind and heart when I’m not problematizing my life?

> What would we try in relationships and community if we weren’t afraid of being right or wrong?

I don’t know how I’m going to do it, I don’t know how to figure this life out, but I will keep moving and growing towards what makes me feel most alive. 

peace,

emily