following the pulse
of connection, movement, change
I write to you on the other side of a journey and in the midst of another. I write to you feeling a deep sense of timelessness. I write to you changed, changing, different.
I write with the intention of leaving breadcrumbs, for myself, for you, towards new old worlds pulsing, trying, becoming.
It’s this feeling, this pulsing that I’ve been chasing, I think. Lately, I’ve described my relationship and journey with contact improvisation as “following a feeling.” Before I really knew what it was, or why I was drawn to it, I just kept trying to find people, jams, spaces where I could tap into a feeling. A feeling of what?… of connection, play, intimacy, challenge, aliveness, sweat. Of something that felt different from other dance spaces and from regular degular social life.
I want more of that. More of this. Yes that, right there, right here.
My rational, worried self was resistant. Still is at times.
What is this? Where is this taking you? How will you take care of yourself? What will happen? What are you doing? Why this?
Many questions. Some worth sinking into.
Yes, yes. Let the questions bubble up, but don’t let them stop you in your tracks. Questions can guide your next move, don’t let them paralyze you with fear.
It’s this leaning into a feeling that has led me into other spaces and places. Craving connection, depth, spiritual and creative growth, friendship and intimacy, I am learning to let these feelings guide me. The practical questions continue, but with more of a curious whisper rather than halting authority.
This past weekend I had the great joy and privilege of experiencing a Deep Play Retreat in the mossy woods of Washington state with a group of open humans, most of them new to me. This was a special, wild, challenging, and expansive container to be a part of. Part summer camp for adults, part group therapy, part improv theater. We created many worlds together; we dove into games and practices that invited us into intimacy with self and each other; we tried on different energies, roles, and characters.
Play can mean many different things to different people, and we acknowledged this as we approached edges and cliffs within ourselves and between each other. I experienced this weekend of ~deep play~ as a jungle gym of expression, an obstacle course for the psyche, a sandbox for the heart. I got to befriend my inner loner and face the part of me that’s quite avoidant. I got to witness my judgmental ass, seeing the one who thinks they’re better than you and simultaneously embarrassed by this. I got to jostle around the part that just wants to be good, or sometimes just wants to be seen as good and doing the “right” things.
I felt the risks of play: of admitting I want to win or do well, letting aggression and desire foment, getting upset and losing something, fantasizing possibility. In this playground, with these people, we navigated through the muck of judgement and the cobwebs of avoidance. Here, at these edges, was a dark, rich soil, ripe for discovery and transmutation. Nothing to throw out or runaway from scared, embarrassed, or needing to be fixed.
How do we play at and with our edges, the parts of ourselves that we might be most afraid of? How can we admit we’re scared or hurt and stay in the game? Can we give permission to ourselves and others to leave and opt out without shame?
This weekend affirmed the simple magic of gathering humans together, committing to compassionate presence, and invoking the gods of play. It connected me to the pulse I’ve been chasing, returned me to myself, and kept me in awe of the mystery.
This pulse I’ve been chasing is in part relationship: to self, spirit, you, the other. Relationship to earth, to sensuous life. It’s the pulse of change, of life’s instability, of the growing potential within my/our hearts. Oh how energizing it is to be in the buzzy, fertile place of connection, growth, and change.
I emerge on the other side of this container, feeling a bit wider, multiplicitous, expansive. Connected, soft and clear, fierce and a little scared(scary). Imperfect and on fire to keep going.
Bubbling, pulsing on the west coast,
em
I’ll be hosting a workshop and jam in Cleveland in a couple weeks! I’d love to dance with you if you’re in town. Thursday July 25th 5:30-8PM at the Cleveland Foundation Studio.
Im devouring the breadcrumbs…. Mmm… buttery